Since my last post was a downer, here’s a funny for you.

Maybe I’ve just been a web designer too long. LOL

Tomorrow (or later today) will be hard. I know know that now, but I’ve still been shoving my feelings down this week.

Two years ago, on September 1, 2022, I received one of the worst phone calls a parent could get. My bonus son committed suicide.

I hadn’t talked to him about anything major in about a month, and I find myself wondering if I would have seen how he was doing if I had gone with his dad to his house the earlier that week.

I had been delivering newspapers as income while I was looking for a job, so I was tired. I just didn’t feel like going out.

I wish he had turned to us and let us know how he felt. I wish I could go back and let him know that we were there for him. I really wish I had a time machine so I could give him one more hug, make sure he knew his dad and I both love him very much.

There are so many things I’d go back and change.

I’d better try to get some sleep. Lateness and g’nite.

I was talking to someone today and remembered something I forgot long ago.

Before I got married the first time, before I got pregnant with my oldest, I signed up for a college course about the history of the Middle ages. I don’t even remember the name of the class now.

What I do remember is why I took the class.

I had a story in my head that was supposed to occur in the middle ages, and I wanted to make my world building as realistic as I could.

I didn’t realize then that I could simply wing it, and it wouldn’t matter. It’s my world and I can do what I want. If it doesn’t follow real history, so what.

I’ve got stories based on different things that happened in history. It doesn’t have to make sense in a real timeline. I can have the great moon hoax from 1835 in a different story from the beast of Gevaudan from 1764, and the Salem witch trials in 1692. I don’t have to explain why the dates changed or the same characters are alive. If I decide to have a different witch trials from the early 1600s in England, I can do that too.

Who cares if my timeline doesn’t match up, it’s my world and my stories.

I was looking at a post on a Vermont page on Facebook. Someone was asking about a Pride event going on.

The hate on that post shocked me. I guess that’s why I tend to try to avoid looking at anything other than posts from my friends.

One of the people said something about a person’s sexuality not mattering, as long as they keep it in the bedroom.

So does that mean you can’t talk about your significant other unless they are of the opposite gender? I can talk about my husband, but someone else can’t talk about her partner because that partner happens to be another female?

I keep seeing mention of kids transitioning as early as 12, and that the schools are pushing it. I said something to my daughter and she rolled her eyes. It’s not happening.

I know someone who would feel more comfortable as the opposite gender. They won’t transition until after high school.

What does it matter to me how this person feels? Other than that I’m there for them, and since they’re not public on how they feel, I misgender them at school. (Note, gender purposely hidden by they/them pronouns.)

I’m Christian, I get the idea that God doesn’t make mistakes. So what about the ones who are different? The kids who die early, the ones with depression who feel they can’t go another day?

The crusades proved that you can’t force someone to change their beliefs. Why are we fighting them again? Telling you that others have different beliefs and that you can’t force your beliefs on them is not discrimination.

Dunno, maybe I’m just getting set in my ways. No one is forcing me to believe something other than what I believe. I don’t feel discriminated against because someone else is Muslim or Wiccan.  It has no bearing on whether I choose to be nice to them.

A friend showed me this today, and I had to laugh. It just fits so much of what you see online.

I’m still struggling with journaling every day. I’m going to keep trying for now. I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head because my emotions feel heavy when I don’t.

It’s been a long week, and I am trying to take it one step at a time. It hit me the other day that I’m only a bit over 2 years from the age my father was when he had his first stroke.

I had a regular checkup last week. I said something about losing Nick, and he suggested counseling to find a way to cope.

I don’t need to see someone else to find a coping mechanism. I’ve always written to sort through things. I’ve always done that with my writing.

Unfortunately, I haven’t done much writing lately. I think it’s time to start that back up. Hopefully that will mean posting here more.

https://www.rawstory.com/judd-blevins/

I’ve been trying to stay away from politics lately. Other than some posts in 2020 that I have deactivated, that is.

This is just too — something — to avoid. I knew about this a couple of months ago. I saw a flyer that was passed out, I don’t remember if it was passed out at ComiCon or a pride event or something.

It was talking about wanting to recall one of the Enid city commissioners. He is not in my ward, so I didn’t know much about him until the hubbub started. Now I see in the article that he only won by 36 votes.

I didn’t realize it had become national news until I saw it on MSN this morning.

Found this on Twitter/X. It’s something I guess.

I guess I turn into a zombie today. I’ve been working two jobs, but I’ll try to update tonight on what it’s like to be a zombie. Sounds fun.

The anniversary of Nick’s death was rough. I’ve had a few rough days in the last month, sometimes because my husband broods on things when he can’t sleep at night.

*edit: Well, that was a let down. Guess I get to keep on being human. Oh well.

Guess it’s the same old thing.

LOL

I’ve been doing DoorDash lately. I had the summer off, and was living in my head too much.

Today, someone bought a bunch of cereal from Walgreens (through DoorDash) and I was assigned to deliver it – to the local food bank. Kinda cool.

Last week, someone came up to me while I was waiting for a DoorDash order. He handed me a matchbox car that is almost identical to my current vehicle. He said he does that to make people smile.

School starts back on 8/10 – at least for teachers and staff. One of the students saw me when I was picking up an order, and he came and gave me a hug. I really like my job. I just don’t get paid enough. Not sure how I need to handle the shortfall. I guess keep doing DoorDash in the evenings and on the weekends. I also will need to start publishing more books and advertise them.

I haz a sad. My mother just called me to tell me one of my cousins died. He had throat cancer. A friend of the family is in hospice – for stomach cancer. 

My daughter bought some urn necklaces. We got them filled on Monday, and I’m wearing one today. She forgot she had hers on and went swimming. Water got in the necklace, so she plans to buy another identical to the one she had.

In October my husband and I each got a tattoo. It’s identical to one that Nick had, but some purple accents were added, and Nick’s name and date of birth are there. My daughter wants one and is trying to get an appointment. She had to wait until she was 18 because Oklahoma is weird.

I finally got a call from the SPCA and one of my dogs will be fixed in a couple of weeks. She’s well overdue. I’m glad it’ll be done.

Anyway, looks like my time with DoorDash is done for the day. I didn’t make as much as last Wednesday, but it’ll be fine. I can send myself money at least.

Laterness

Monday would have been my step-son’s 23rd birthday. We have a memorial dinner planned and have invited a number of people – ones that were important parts of his life.

His mom and grandmother’s deaths might have been part of why he felt he needed to do what he did. (The phrase I was looking for was contributing factor. I remember after I hit publish.)

His step-brother will be there (his step-dad’s son from a previous relationship) but his half brothers will not. Both of them are currently in prison.

We are trying to get his and his grandmother’s house through probate. It’s odd since we were not related to her, but the house can’t sit empty until one or the other gets out of prison. We can’t pay property tax on it. We will get everything through probate and put the money aside in trust for when they get out. That is what their mother would have asked us to do.

Neither of the half brothers have a father that will help. My step-son’s step-dad didn’t even have anything to do with the step-brother (step-dad’s son) after he divorced my step-son’s mother.

Everything is just so overwhelming. The tears are close to the surface right now. It seems like the grief comes in waves. I’m sure it’ll get hard again around September 1, the day he died.

Not much else to say tonight.